Today - One year

Usually my blog is full of happy times of our happenings in Sicily. This entry will be different. This is the one year anniversary of my Mom, my Best Friend's, death. The pain is still so unbelievable. I have been trying to keep busy so it wouldn't over take me, but today it is overtaking me. Randy has to work the 24 hour shift today, meaning he left at 6 am and won't be home until 4pm tomorrow. I guess the military doesn't see my pain, EVER, as something that needs a spouse for. I was awoke this morning by thunder and lightening and now the rain is pouring down very hard. It is actually beautiful because I love rain, I can't stand cloudy days. I miss my Mom so darn much. I shared everything with her and though I may not have always followed her opinion, I did listen to it. She was my confidant, my confessor, my stabilizer. Anytime I wanted to get up on my soap box, I would call her and she would let me "let it all out", so I could be calmer, smarter and censored when I spoke to others. Now I speak with no senor, which is not good.

I feel if I replay the day she died in my head that it will cause me pain that I need to feel, but I can't take that pain. I have been so busy that I have not had time to fully feel the pain and I would hate to start that now. I know she is now with the Lord and with family that has passed and that she is with me for the rest of my days and that she is finally out of pain. Physical pain and whatever pains she lived through throughout her life. She is free, she can walk, run just be alive, stuff she couldn't do for years. And unlike with my Father's death, I do not want her back no matter what pain. I have no guilt or feel I needed to say anymore to her, I felt the release of her pain and sadly enough I felt the release of my overwhelming obligation. My Father died quickly and suddenly and that left many loose ends. My Mom died a slow agonizing death and with that we could tie off some loose ends, but it also is hard not to get angry and frustrated with the slow death. Maybe it would have been easier if I wasn't so close to my parents or didn't depend on them for so much, but I wouldn't trade this pain in for not being close. The pain and emptiness is a tribute to their love for us and I know everything they did was out of love for us.

Now I read I am babbling, so I will end this. I am hoping putting it down my ease me of some of the pain and loneliness. The terrible loneliness!!